Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
I need to stop coming to work sober
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
