well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
