we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
