he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
