Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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