I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
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