the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
