I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
