if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Randomize
