i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
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