Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
