piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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