Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
