Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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