my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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