Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
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