So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
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