saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
