Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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