So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
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