Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
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