I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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