So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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