It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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