Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
