clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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