VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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