If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Randomize
