mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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