I think I just saw someone hide a body.
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
