There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
