Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
