Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
