Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Success! We fucked roommates!
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
