i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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