'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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