somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Randomize
