if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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