So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
