Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
