mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
