I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
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