drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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