Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Randomize
