You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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