Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
Randomize
