I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
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