I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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