MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
