Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize
