Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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