My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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