If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
