Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink
That text needs to switch to water.
Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
