you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
