You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Alive.
So much puke
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
