theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
3 2 1 whiskey
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
