How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I AM VODKA MAN
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
