This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Randomize
