You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
Randomize
